Replies To Alucard's Thought Of The Day

[Deonhower Colmyne]

Legend says that the farmer came first. With the unquestionable cowardness he had he fled his farm and family from whatever troubles or whooever was chasing him. In his escape the hard gnashing of his thighs from all his running and awkward gait pounded and dislodged one of his...eggs, for the lack of a more prudent term. This egg bore the embodiment of cowardice that the creature spawned from its existence had the curse of always attempting to flee everything it views as a threat. Thus born the chicken or more specifically the hen who for this life of her beak, was forever chased by the co... rooster pecked in the head to knock some sense into her, and to remind her to give up the .... egg to whom the co... rooster was destined to be paired with. But alas the timid hen always hid it under her and so the co.. ehem... rooster always crowed in the morning crying to the only natural wonder that resembled the yolk... the sun

[AREA666]

So I took your suggestion and ran in circles but I now have a problem. Not unlike how Superman turned time back by flying circles around Earth I ended up doing the same but on a much smaller scale. There is now a time vortex in my apartment in front of my fridge that will not go away. Anything that passes through this vortex either ages really fast, or becomes really young. You have no idea how annoying it is to grab some grapes and they keep comming out as bottles of 1787 Chateau Lafite wine, or cheese to only come out as a cow. If you know how to counteract this vortex I will send you your favorite fork I am holding hostage.

As for your question on what came first it was obvioulsy the spark plug. Spark plugs as we all know are attracted to yellow highlighters and when the two get together they generate enough heat to melt diamonds. So many years ago when the two got together and created this heat they melted everything around them into a pool or ultrahot goo. As this goo cooled the beginnings of life on Earth formed as simple single cell organisms. But at the same time the cells who were rebellious were trying to run away from the advancing cold front. They ended up failing and as the goo cooled got stuck together. These cells were stuck in three clumps which arose as an egg, chicken, and a farmer. The chicken and farmer died instantly due to the lack of oxygen at the time and since the egg was on the farmers head it fell like eggs like to do and broke. The three items ended up being fossils which have been kept in secret chambers throught history by groups such and the Kinghts Templar, Illuminatin and now it rests in the Vatican Library. They will never release it since if they do it would destroy the foundations of religions and that is why you have never heard of this story before.

[Night Ω Wolfe]

That was a really cool legend Deon

[Alucard]

area666 said:

If you know how to counteract this vortex I will send you your favorite fork I am holding hostage.

ha you think you have my favorite fork when in reality you have only kidnapped a clone of my fork. i will give you what you seek though.
what you must do is run the opposite direction then you did last time after you have spread a good amount of cheese on a blanket filled with rocks. throw this blanket into the vortex as most people you will not see a change right away but keep running for 13 minutes now you must slow to a jog and do the hokey pokey in the vortex i suggest you start with you arms or head but you must do 9 different body parts then burn a picture of George bush to appease th vortex and throw a burned cow nugget in to the vortex then voila you should notice it getting smaller.

after about an hour you should be able to just throw a rug over the remaining portion of the vortex and wait for it to disapate.....but it cant be any rug it has to be genuine 100% beaver tail trimmed with camel fur.

hope this helps

now in regard to my fork i expect over night shipping he gets a little skiddish....oh by the way keep him away from garbage disposals he has a tendencies to try dare devil stunts like setting up ramps with plates and try to do a barrel roll on a glass over the disposal ....jeez theirs no finding good silver ware any more and a cloned piece is just a bad idea they come out all loopy ......maybe its just my process.

well thats all for now if you need any more info you can find it at Imadededee/vortex/help/ineedahelmet.org

[lindalou]

If you build your space shuttle out of canned sardines instead when you re-enter the earths atmosphere it will cook and emit a stench that can only attract the ninja pelican master and he will be driven insane with hunger and will he will attack the shuttle. After pecking for hours with no nourshiment gained he will be weakened and easy prey for a maniacal menace such as yourself. Spray him with hot pink paint when you are done and he will be so disgraced he will commit hari kari. As for the IRS they will realize they are no match for you and accept de-feet, well maybe just your toe, it is actually the answer to balancing the national budget and award you a congressional medal of honor. By the way are you part hobbit? With feet that hairy it makes me wonder....

[AREA666]

Alright, more ideas comming in, this is fun.

Well I tried to do your idea to destroy the vortex and it seemed to work at first. But then I decided that since I do not have the needed rug I would use one that is camel fur trimmed with beaver tail. Well at first it seemed like it would work, but then the vortex sucked in the rug and began to expand really fast. It is now roughly the size of a football stadium and has grown in strength so that things can come out of it on their own freewill. There are extinct dinosaurs comming out, and weird creatures from our future. So I guess it is just going to keep expanding until it consumes the entire planet. So if you have not eaten a cream cheese covered lightbulb sitting in a puddle of flaming bouncy balls now is the time to do it.

Your IRS problem sounds complicated. I had always thought the IRS dealt with training hunters to kill tax offenders. But with your discovery of the new math equation and them comming after you it would seem they are growing. I would like to congradulate you though on finding it to be 42. So far the only other thing to do that was the supercomputer in the Hitchhikers Guide stories and it was never able to explain it in as much depth. Now if you have a pelican ninja master after you then you of course want to be very wary. I have shirt that warns people of the ninja monkeys that stalk me, but they are not masters so I can easily dispatch them. I wonder if your pelican taught them actually? But anyway you will have to make sure to hide very well and have security around your ship be top notch. Ninjas have a way of being able to silently kill guards that never get noticed and then sneak into places so for all you know he could be right behind you right now. Now lindalou seems to have given you some pointers on how to deal with this menace and you should probably use them. If the pelican does indeed become weakened you can easily use the cans of ham you no longer needed to crush him with the goo layer that is around the meat typically. It would pretty much encase it in a air tight egg like shape of it which you could allow to harden and then wear as a blinging necklace. Image how jealous the rappers would be since you have such a larger one then they. I dont know if the IRS will give up to easily after that. But what you can do is just wait till my vortex consumes their headquarters and then you will be safe for the few remaining hours before the Earth is destroyed.

[lindalou]

I am wearing a beautiful ensemble made entirely from silver backed mirrors. Oh how it twinkles in the moonlight, I am assuming of course that the exposition is at night as that is the best time to view invisible man-eating llama's. The mirror's provide me with two very important features, first it allows me know if one of the exhibits has escaped as their breath will fog up the mirrors and second when they look at me all they will see is another invisible man-eating llama and thus pass me by! A neighbor of mine put a dead invisible possum zombie in my recycle bin once. Ahh, last year they were all the rage and now they are put out with trash how sad. I could smell something that smelled rather like popped smagmated pustules on the butt of a monkey and I knew right away what the scoundrel had done. So I got him back and put it on the manifold of his 1978 AMC Pacer (serves him right for driving something that looks like an egg) The stench became an entity and ate the paint off his house. Paint is apparently an aphrodisiac to a stench/entity as it then had to have it's way with my neighbor who was throughly unimpressed and tried to run away. But he was overcome by the enormity of the stench that he only got a couple of staggering steps off and keeled over making him easy prey for the amorous entity. At this point I had to overt my eyes so I am not really sure what happened but by the amount of moaning and then finally screaming (maybe it found the G spot?) I think I can safely assume it's appetites were sated as it slowly dissipated after it ate a can of pork and beans and smoked a cigarette. Nothin says "Wow that was good lovin" like beans and a smoke. My poor neighbor now has bad gas all the time and can no longer leave his house. The Air Quality and Emissions Control Board is keeping a very close eye on him and there are concerns about his flatulence accelerating the global warming trend.

[Alucard]

i would have to agree they complain about cows......but how many have been around people who have farted and smelt like they stuffed their dead relatives in their hind quarters, and kept them there plugged up and shut away for a good decade. i should know i was a professional gourmet fart connoisseur. well at least until my sinuses started bothering me and i started hearing voices.... but thats the price one pays for showing dedication and pride in ones work....ahhh but those were the days....... i do however like your ensemble i imagine it looks stunning however you for got one detail as it a dress, tux, tutu, Victorian gown, or something Dr franken furter would wear?

and to answer your previous question about me being part hobbit i can only say no and only because its a habit i have developed, you see, each time a piece of hair or skin fragment falls off i glue it some where else that way the F.B.I and other organizations cant collect samples of my D.N.A.

[lindalou]

It will be sort of a wet suit kind of thing that way if the zombies start eating anyone... well you know what slobs they can be; brains and goo flying everywhere all I have to do is hose myself off so I can go dancing. My brother is also a fart connoisseur and funny thing is he is having the same trouble. In fact just this last summer he had to squirt pure ozone up his nose just so he could breathe again. Still no sense of smell but that big ol honker of his is good for something at least.

[AREA666]

This is the first post where I am starting to put the actual thing I am replying to at the start of the post. This way people who read this in the future will know where the ideas come from. As for the older ones hopefully Alucard can remember somewhat the things he posted on.

Thought : Why is it with the amount of technology and medical break throughs we as a society have had can we not come up with a better solution to prostate exams then a finger or two in the butt? on a side note who goes to a job fair and says i want to be a proctologist , what kid grows up dreaming one day to do this type of work? i guess what im really trying to say is i miss my Hamster.


The reason it would seem that the medial examination for prostates is behind the rest of the medical world is because of the Russians. Back in the Cold War days the Russians needed a way to spy on the US. So they decided to revive their favorite leader, Stalin, and ask what he would do. Well since he died in 1953 his views on things are somewhat dated. So being around the mid 80s when they brought him back to life he was unaware of the advances in technology. They asked him for a way to secretly place tracking beacons on top Americans and also be able to record audio. The need for a device like this would be rather large so they knew it could not simply be put on clothing. At that time Stalin realized he really needed to goto the bathroom since it had been about 30 years. Once he returned he told everybody he had a solution. After he had seen how much crap literally was held in his body he knew he had an area large enough for the needed transmittier. Everybody else agreed to this and Stalin was told to go back to his glass viewing case and die again till he would again be needed. So now the Russians had the area to place their transmitters, but did not have a way to get them there. So they went to the KGB and asked them for a list of all Russian spies currrently in the US. Once they had the list they contacted each of the spies and told them to return to Mother Russia for new training in Siberia. Upon their arrival they were taken to a large poorly lit room. In there the spies were tortured with images of fat American women, people popping the bubbles on bubble wrap and not allowing them to do it themselves, and eating chocolate chip cookies with no milk. Soon all the spies were completly insane and ready to listen to anything. So they were told they had to implant these devices into the butts of prominent Americans. Being insane the spies thought it would be a good idea. So they were released back into the US where they all quickly got jobs as proctologists since the demand was high due to no normal human wanting the jobs. Unfortunatly for us the spies did not remember they were supposed to only implant this device into important people, so that meant that anybody who came in the get an examination got one. At the time people were very concerned as to why they did not just do x-rays, but the spies told them that the x-ray machines had gotten clogged with use tissues and this was the backup method until they were fixed. Now because the people getting the checkup done were embarrassed about this backup method they never told their friends about it, so anytime a new person went in and heard the same clogged story they never thought it was funny. Eventually so many people had gone that the Russians had no way to track who had important info or not, so they scrapped the program, but left the spies since they were worthless to them now. As time went on the spies continued their work and people forgot all about there ever being a better method, until now.

And for your hampster you can not complaign about missing him because you were the one to strap him to that bullet train with twizzlers and send him speeding along into that giant house of cards.

[Night Ω Wolfe]

LOL I was just about to suggest the very same thing myself... putting his message of the day in a quote box before you respond to it... you all will just have to start with the new ones though... Alucard writes this spontaneously and doesn't save them... so there will be no recreating the older ones... sorry.

[AREA666]

Thought : WHAT is the airspeed velocity for a flock of coconut laden swallows? who are traveling to mexico to bomb the chupacabra for stealing all of their powdered goat milk and twist ties? plus on a side note where the hell are all of my left socks?

Now first off I am going to have to ask you to stop going into my closet and stealing ideas from my shirts. One of mine talks about the flying hampster of doom who rains coconuts on your pitiful city which is just to similar to your thought to be a conincidence, so that one plus my ninja monkey one must mean you are somehow entering my closet, possibly through my secret wormhole, to get ideas. However, I shall answer your questions.

Now first off to calculate their airspeed we need to determine how many coconuts it takes to make the swallows be considered laiden. I will assume since they are small birds that it will take three to move one coconut. To keep things simple we will assume there are 99 birds in the flock so they are now moving 33 coconuts. Since you stated they are bombing chupacabra with them then they must be the rare breed of exploding coconuts from the Biodome movie. If the birds are flying with the wind then they will probably be able to fly at around 10 mph. where they will be able to glide most of the time. But since that is normally not the case I think it will be that the wind is opposing them. Now normally when this happens it is rather humurous to watch the birds flap their wings and yet they remain in one place until they dive. The swallows will not be able to do that since if they dive they will not be able to lift the coconuts in time and will eventually crash causing the coconut to explode and kill the swallows carrying it. So what will instead happen is the birds will be pushed backwards. So now if they plan to reach their destination they have to go much further to travel almost around the entire planet. Now since the powdered goat milk and twisty ties are crucial ingredients for MacGuyver to build us our bubble gum powered flying pie tin we will need to help the birds. So half of the flock will need to carry a large fan and many miles of extension cords to keep it powered on their journey. This will naturally make their be less cocunut bombs, but if we upgrade them to guided coconut missiles then we will be fine since the strikes will be far more accurate. So to make a long story short if we use the fan and missiles and the wind is against the birds they can fly at warp factor 7.8.

Now your socks you will never get back because you did not properly train them in how to defend themselves against the dreaded killer used napkins. The right socks who were trained were able to fend for themselves and while the left socks ran around in confusion and were brutally eaten by the napkins the rights escaped which is why none of them are missing.

[AREA666]

Man I missed a reply to one that was a good one too, but I went on vacation and missed it. Oh well I will survive I suppose until the leprechauns are finnished with their empty soda can death ray.

Thought : Why is it every time i go shopping people stare at me when i punt a piece of fruit at any one in the general vacinty of where i am to test it? i mean come on they act like they dont like fresh fruit. And has any one seen my pope hat? its gone missing i think area666 took it along with my halogen lamp and all of my fake goat teets but he's M.I.A so i can't ask him. any one have any info?

Now people are silly you see because they think that the fruit you are punting at them is actually a large booger which they are all greatly afraid of since their childhood experiences with rotten apple cores and catnip. The next time instead of punting it try shooting it at them with a potato gun and you should get better results. I do know what has happened with your said items, but I will not tell you anything about them until you pay up, and you know what I am talking about. Now I expect my payment of pesto covered lint balls as per our agreement to be dropped off at our top secret location in...........holy crap!?!? what is that behind you.................

[AREA666]

Thought : Coming soon! working on comp be back in a few days! area feel free to post while im M.I.A I have to rescue my hard drive from a pack of rabid crickets who plan on selling my hardware to fund their crack addiction....i have taken your blender and a couple bags of frozen broccli from your closet if i can i will return them.


I hope that the crickets who have stolen your hard drive are not the evil crickets of Cucacomana since they will kill you with a combination of fish flavored mustard doughnuts and insanity peppers. I am not sure which blender you have taken since the only one I know of is still here, can you describe it? I will not be needing the broccoli back although it is odd that it could remain frozed in my closet. It must be a lot colder in there then I had thought, but it would also probably explain why the yeti enjoys it so much.

[Alucard]

proof that your flying penguins are not getting along




i believe that is because they are being led by this "man"



on closer inspection i found he has a ridiculous obsession with dressing like willy wonka



and i would buy 2 woppers and 3 big macs plus a everlasting gobstopper



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